This often happens when I'm bored and when I have nothing else better to do. I've been slobbering myself with romantic comedies since yesterday! I watched 27 Dresses and Sleepless in Seattle. And typically, I cried watching the sweet moments in those movies. After I'm done, I'd call my boyfriend and he'd sigh and laugh at me. In between my free time, I read 'Excessively Diverted' from Juliette Shapiro. It's a probable sequel (like a fanfic) to Jane Austen's unfinished 'Sanditon' cause she died too soon. I'm not surprised though. Back then, healthcare was horrible as fuck.
Why? What am I getting myself into? I guess all of these emotions of love make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. There's no other greater feeling in the world than to love someone and to have that person love you in return. It's a bliss and a pain too. Hahaha!
Have you ever wondered what is the 'ideal' relationship you've always wanted to have? I bet everyone has a different idea on how they want that to happen. As for me, it's to feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm with him. But I guess there'll always be a slippery slope somewhere. You see, when you know a person so well and love him so much, you tend to be very comfortable around him. When this instance persists, you become complacent. That's when shit hits the fan.
You act around him just how you'd act around your friends. Not that it's bad. But you get all mushy with him in front of others. The thing is they are alright with it. He's not. The point that I'm trying to make here is that the comfort zone I've created around him is starting to swallow me up whole. It's because I no longer have barriers when reacting in front of others when I'm with him and he feels embarrassed. As usual, I was being indignant. Defending myself by saying everyone else knew how we were and they were fine with it. But when he asked me have I ever considered him into picture, that was when I fell silent.
I think that's the problem I've been having. I did things that irk him but he was always patient with me. Still, lately we've been in arguments about how selfish I was by putting my interests before his. How it has always been about me. When in fact, he was going through so much but I didn't even see it until last night.
He's having a few family problems right now. When he told me all of his problems, it made me think of all the selfish things I made him do. He said that the family problems were giving him a really bad headache and all he wanted to do was to seek my company. So he could feel happy. That was why he got so angry every time I throw a tantrum. He didn't have anyone to turn to and it broke his heart. I couldn't stop tearing. How could I be so blind to not see all this? He was in pain and all I did was nothing.
But he said he felt better now. He vented out his frustration and I cheered him up.
I've finally realized how much I'm taking him for granted. Assuming that his everyday routine is fine without even asking him. I don't know how I've become so self-centered. Which I find very disgusting. Yes, I am disgusted with myself. I've been taking all of it and not giving. And all I have to do is to make him happy, which is the easiest thing to do.
Now, no reason for me to be selfish anymore. It's always an US in a relationship. Not a ME.
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