Friday, December 25, 2009

Everlast-ing

I rarely go on a shopping spree. RARELY. This is basically because of three reasons: 1) I don't earn my own money. Yet. 2) I don't have a monthly fixed allowance from my parents. 3) I don't ask for anything if it's not a necessary thing for me to have. But when the opportunity comes, I won't put it to waste! Hehe...

My family and I went shopping yesterday. It was the "shopping for the kids" day! Yay! My kid brother got himself two pairs of funky pants from Ex Unlimited and Crazee Croxx. My baby brother got a shirt, a pair of khaki pants - both from Osh Kosh B'gosh - and an Ultraman toy. As for me, I got myself these!!!!



These babies are vintage Everlast sneakers! And they were on sale too! The price went down from RM249.90 to RM89.90!! I just had to buy it. They came in three colours: white, black and burgundy. I wanted to get the burgundy ones but my size was out of stock. No matter. The white ones are just as pretty. ;D

And now I'm so happy!! We're probably going to Malacca tomorrow and I'm gonna strut them there. Weehoo!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Muhammed Redhuan Abdul Malik

If it's not real I can't hold it in my hands

I can't feel it in my heart

And you won't believe it

But if it's true I can see it with my eyes

Even in the dark

And that's where you want to be

I love you

Goodnight...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Who needs them.

You know those paparazzi who relentlessly follow celebrities' asses so close whenever there's some hot new rumour out? Unfortunately, we do have them in our lives. Some of them we even call friends. No, it does not make you feel glamorous. It just makes you feel like you wanna rip their heads off.

But like my close friend told me, "Kita tak boleh nak tutup mulut orang." True. If only we could. It's human nature to be nosy but if you intended to do it discreetly, do it right. You think that the person whom you're talking about won't find out. But come on. You're posting it on Facebook. All your friends know what you said or posted.

I may be overreacting. Whatever you said could mean otherwise. And I don't wanna have negative sentiments towards anyone, if possible. But your words were so vague and consequently, sounded condescending. And yeah, it fucking hurts.

Alas, words will still go around. People will still judge. I feel so helpless because I'm unable to stop any of that. I just pray to God that it will make me stronger. And make me a better person that I am now.

Paparazzi friends? Who needs them.

(*^.^*)

I'M JUST SO HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

TRALALALALALALALALALALLALALA...~

TELLING IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!

TRALALALALALALALALALLALALALALA...~

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Truth hurts

I cheated on my boyfriend.

We've been together for eight months now. Everything was fine. But all of it shattered on 10 December 2009. My boyfriend found out that I was cheating on him. That I had a scandal with my ex-boyfriend. I was shocked when he told me about it. He was devastated when he found out.

Other than Facebook, another active social networking site that I had an account was Myspace. That was where I kept my darkest secret. In Myspace, my boyfriend was not my partner. But it was my ex and I declared to be his Mrs. We had been going on with this secret for the last four months of my relationship with my boyfriend. That's half the time I've been with my boyfriend.

For a moment, I lost him. He was a furious man. He told our closest friends and eventually to everyone he knew that I had cheated on him. He told my mother and my sister about it. The woman he regarded as the love of his life, the only woman he placed his loyalty to, the woman he wanted to share his future with. I broke all my vows and promises to him in a blink of an eye.

He asked me why. Why would I do such a thing to him. Was it because the love he gave me wasn't enough? Was it the attention that he sacrificed for me inadequate? What was it? What?

He still doesn't believe me when I say this. And I bet none of you will. But he didn't do anything less. His love and care and attention for me were more than enough. It was all me. I was selfish and greedy.

My ex-boyfriend was very persistent. He called and he texted. Non-stop. Urging me to be his friend. Telling me that things would be strictly platonic. That was when I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I loved the extra attention that my ex was giving me. I didn't need it. I selfishly thought that this man would give me attention even though he knew that I was with someone else. That I was happy with that someone else. Selfishly I thought, why let the opportunity go. I allowed him to linger.

I knew that at the end of the day, I would not end up in a serious relationship with my ex. I even told him that in his face. The only man that I would run to, every time, is my boyfriend. Each day that passes by I have never loved my boyfriend any less. It just grows more and more. But both of us were selfish bastards. He still decided to stick around, I still let him stay.

On that fateful night, I was begging to my boyfriend not to let me go. To give me another chance. But all hope was lost. My boyfriend doesn't trust me anymore. He doesn't believe in anything I say.

I kept begging and begging to him to not let me go. He said he wanted prove that I won't repeat this mistake ever again. How is he supposed to trust me after what I'd done to him? I said the only way I could prove it to him was if he gave me a second chance. Only then I can amend things. Only then I can patch up our relationship.

He was not convinced. He needed something more concrete. My heart cried out that I will take responsibility for my mistakes. That I will do whatever it takes to have a place in his heart again. I took the Quran and I swore in front of him. In the name of Allah. I swore that I will not cheat on him ever again. I swore that he will be the only man I love with all my heart. And if this relationship was to end, it will be the day when I die or the day when God has decided that we aren't fated for each other. That was how much I wanted to be with him.

12 December 2009. It was my 21st birthday. I met my Mum and we celebrated it. And over lunch, I told her all my darkest secrets. My Mum was shocked to know that her daughter was a slut. She was sad to know that her daughter was a selfish bitch that could hurt the feelings of the man her daughter has loved so dearly. I came clean. I told my Mum everything. Her only reaction was silence. She didn't say a word.

My Mum invited my boyfriend over. To discuss things out. He came. We sat down at a coffee shop. There, he told my Mum everything he felt. The pain, the humiliation, the betrayal. Everything. My Mum tried her best to console him. But she knew that he had the right to feel as such. We knew. After all of that, I told my Mum what I was, who I was in front of my boyfriend. It was painful for a mother to listen to all that. But my mother deserved to know. I had betrayed the man I love so much. I had betrayed my family who have loved him. And I was willing to pay the price. To do whatever it takes. I told her about my oath.

It was a cold scene. But on that day, I had the best birthday gift ever. My boyfriend gave me a second chance. I was delighted. He meant the world to me. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. And I wouldn't take that risk ever again.

Now, I have to earn my boyfriend's trust all over again. We're back to square one. Last night, he told me that he's skipping on a rope right on top of the fine line between love and hate. Whatever actions that I do after this, will affect the side he will tilt towards. And he said he wants to tilt to the love side so much. But only I can make him do that. I must show him prove of my sincerity.

He said, "It was your curfew which kept you from going to bed with Dauz. Not your love for us, not trust, not loyalty, not faith, not anything but your curfew. You think about it. So what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to have faith in you? It's not responsibility, loyalty or love but a silly curfew."

I will never deny the possibility of things going overboard if I hadn't stayed in campus. But I've never had any sexual intimacy with my ex for the past four months. Still, I understand the insecurities and doubts that my boyfriend have due to this possibility. I'm glad that it never happened.

I will prove it to him. He should have faith in me. Right here and now I will make a public declaration of my previous acts and the future acts that I'm going to do.

I ADMIT, WHOLEHEARTEDLY, THAT I HAVE BEEN PROMISCUOUS TO MY BOYFRIEND. I HAD CHEATED ON HIM FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS. I HAD MET MY EX TWICE A MONTH IN THOSE FOUR MONTHS. I ADMIT NOW, TO EVERYONE, THAT I HAD STOOPED THAT LOW AND BETRAYED THE LOVE OF THE MAN WHO HAD GIVEN IT TO ME FAITHFULLY AND BEING EVER SO LOYAL TO ME.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE. TO REDEEM MYSELF. TO EARN HIS LOVE AND TRUST ALL OVER AGAIN. AND AS FOR PROVE, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A PUBLIC DECLARATION TO EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME. I WILL NOT BE UNFAITHFUL TO MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. HE WILL BE THE ONLY MAN THAT I'LL GIVE MY FULL LOVE AND ATTENTION TO. I HAVE MADE AN OATH TO GOD, A PROMISE TO MY MOTHER, AND NOW A PROMISE TO ALL OF YOU. YOU ARE ALL MY WITNESSES.

I LOVE REDHUAN SO MUCH. NO ONE ELSE. AND I AM VERY CONFIDENT IN WHAT I SAY. I WILL ONLY GIVE MY FULL COMMITMENT TO HIM.

I am *not* Supergirl.

I am now in a predicament. I am stuck between conflicting interests of my parents whom I love dearly. You know, there's that certain time in your life you wish that you can please every single person that means a lot to you. Knowing that they are happy is the best feeling in the world. Unfortunately, such idealism never existed. Sad, isn't it?

Well, Papa is dissatisfied with me due to a personal matter. As a result, I have to find a place to stay inside campus next semester on my own. Initially, Papa had said before that he'd settle my hostel issues. I was so relieved. One burden less for me to worry. Boy, was I wrong. Now that we're in a dispute, Papa pushes the burden directly at my face unprecedentedly. Not to mention that my school opens in a fortnight's time. I don't wanna complain but I'm tired of Papa's silly games sometimes. Too bad he's not the kind of person you can sit down and talk things through with. So, I'll have to do it first. If it doesn't work, only then Papa'll come to my rescue. Papa, oh Papa...

As for Mummy, well, I'll have to disappoint her again. I hope she knows that it is just as painful for me. Papa, oh Papa...

But someone told me to take things slowly. And along the way, I shouldn't forget to love myself too. I am trying. I'm glad that he's always there by my side.. =)

He's off to Singapore soon though. He'll be there for a couple days. That means no calling and no texting! ='(

I'm gonna miss him even more now. We're both in KL but it's difficult to meet. Well, it's also because of yours truly. Incarcerated in my own home. Aiyo.. still, it makes me feel alright. Cause I know that he's nearby. But he's gonna go soon!

I'll just wait here till he comes back. Wait for my significant other to come back home.. X)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Bits and pieces

I'm in the middle of my semester break and at home most of the time. That means I have a lot of free time on my hands. One way for me to kill time is to blog. I know I'm new to blogging but since there's nothing much to do yet so many things to say, I guess I'll just stick with this. =)

I see so many things happening around me. Some of you are working, some of you are out there on a vacation, some of you are up and about doing things you love and catching up with friends and loved ones. Those are all very nice. But it leaves me with very much to say. Observing others can be an interesting activity. Albeit it being boring sometimes. Haha!

Here are the few things I wanna vent out:

Chilling out at home


Well, other than just being a geek staring at the laptop monitor the whole day, I would indulge in a book. I'm currently reading "The Behaviour of Moths" by Poppy Adams. It's a very interesting book about two sisters who have been separated for four decades and were finally reunited. It's pretty funny though, how two old women trying to blend in with each other. But it's something close to heart since I have an older sister myself. It becomes more interesting when the personalities of the sisters fit ours. How ironic! Hahaha.. after I'm done with this book, it shall be passed on to my sayang. He's been asking for it for quite a while actually. Gotta chop chop to it!




Boys: can't live with them, can't live without them. Really?

Recently, many of my friends have relationship issues. I'm also included. Some reconciled, others didn't go so well. Some went pretty darn ugly too. So what's all this racket? One thing that everyone has to concede is that falling out of love is never easy.

I had my share of ordeals too. I nearly lost my sweetheart because of my selfishness and the foolish decisions I've made that broke his heart. But we're working things out. I love him so much, and the feeling has never lessened at all. I did whatever it takes to get him back and paid for my mistakes. I'm still doing it now. Mending and patching our relationship. Loving him and earning his trust again day by day have been nothing but blissful.

That sounds all fine and dandy, right? A few of my friends lost their relationships. I see a lot of consoling and comforting words going around. That's good. We should always be there to help our girlfriends get back on their feet. Still, some of them failed to be objective. A relationship has ended. But it doesn't mean that you should hate all the men in the world. I know. Angry people say many stupid things, what more angry women! But there are good chaps out there. Probably some of us haven't found THE ONE yet.

From another angle, the getting-over-with process is the hardest thing to do. Every girl who has been through it knows that. It's great to have someone we can trust to tell our feelings to. Healing takes time. It deciphers from one girl to another. But it doesn't mean we cannot find happiness in our best-est of friends. We're still young. There's still a long way to go. So what's your hurry? =)

Men will always be there. And whether some of you like it or not, you'll need a man to complete you one day. Oh, this is an exception if you're gay or loves being single though. Haha!

Missing him badly


Ok. You know it from the title already. Puke if you want. I don't care! Hahahahahaha!! Can't wait to see him. Maybe we'll skype tonight. I really hope so. Thinking of him has never failed to put a smile on my face! (*^_^*)

Okie dokie. This is all for now. Will blog later if I've got something that needs venting.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Lost in time


There he was
Full of warmth and compassion and love
A shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold
A man to depend on
To be together with for the future untold

There he is now
Saddened and angry and cold
His heart broken into pieces
His love is thrown
Doesn't know what to think
Doesn't know who to trust
But most importantly
He doesn't know who to behold

I shattered his dreams
I shattered his happiness
I lost sight of him
But I chased and chased his sadness
The pain that he felt was overwhelming
And I didn't know what I was becoming
without him

Yet, such a beautiful soul
Gave me a chance once more
To make things better
To make things bitter no more

What more can I say
Things will never be the same
My promises, my declarations
make him feel pain
He wants it to go away
I want it to go away
But will it ever go away...?

I am lost in time
A future we built has disappeared
What was left were ruins
What was left were debris
We are starting off again
But a future together is uncertain
His trust I have yet to earn
His love I yearn

I am lost in time
Just lost in time...

*snip snip* for girls: How about it?

Well, it seems that my last post caught the attention of some people. Hehe.. and Bubu posted a good question too. What do I think about female circumcision? Before I dwell into that, let's see what's the deal with female circumcision and how the world is taking it.

Female circumcision is the partial or total cutting away of the external female genitalia. This practice is mostly done in Asia and Africa. It is a fairly new issue because this practice is only known worldwide since the 1950s. Female circumcision is, more often than not, regarded as a cultural and/or religious obligation. It has been practiced by both Muslims and Christians, and possibly a few Jewish sects as well. It is often done during infancy but the ages may vary from four year-olds up to 15 year-olds, and even newly married women. Scientifically, there are no known health benefits from this procedure.

However, there have been many oppositions against female circumcision. The World Health Organization (WHO) defines it as female genital mutilation. This term is derived mainly due to the immense harms that can be inflicted upon women who have undergone circumcision. In order to further understand the gravity of the harms, here are the types of circumcision that are practiced most frequently around the world:

1) Clitoridectomy: part or all of the clitoris is amputated.

2) Excision: both the clitoris and the labia minora ("the lips" that surround the vagina) are removed.

3) Infibulation: it is the most severe form of circumcision. After excision of the clitoris and the labia minora, the labia majora are cut or scraped away to create raw surfaces, which are held in contact until they heal, either by stitching the edges of the wound or by tying the legs together. As the wounds heal, scar tissue joins the labia and covers the urethra and most of the vaginal orifice, leaving an opening that may be as small as a matchstick for the passage of urine and menstrual blood.

Infibulation has become a grave concern as it can be extremely detrimental to women's lives. In the Platform of the Fourth World Conference on Women, held in Beijing in 1995, female genital mutilation was cited as both a threat to women's reproductive health and a violation of their human rights.

Even the United Nations has taken this issue into consideration. International consensus statements and treaties such as the Convention to Eliminate All Forms of Discrimination Against Women, the Convention on the Rights of the Child and the African Charter on the Rights and Welfare of the Child began to include language applicable to female circumcision. These documents, however, did not directly mention the practice, focusing instead on broad categories such as detrimental practices, violence and rights violations.

On the other hand, female circumcision has been practiced for such a long time in Asia and Africa. It has been an embedded culture and no matter how objective a third party views the issue, tackling female circumcision is not an easy endeavour. Efforts to eliminate female circumcision have often been unsuccessful because opponents of the practice ignored its social and economic context. In some cases, external intervention has strengthened the resolve of communities to continue their genital cutting rituals as a way of resisting what they perceive as cultural imperialism.

After having an overview of the issue, it seems as though there won't be a win-win resolution anytime soon. But such deadlock musn't be a reason to not come to a compromise.

I'll analyze the issue from several angles. Firstly, from the perspective of religion. I don't know how female circumcision is done in other cultures or religions, but in Islam it is done by cutting off only the foreskin (outer fold of skin over the clitoris; the prepuce) but not cutting off deeply i.e. the clitoris itself. The practice projects a great deal of sensitivity to the instinctive needs of women, their matrimonal happiness, legitimate enjoyment and also more favourable for their husbands.

However, it must be understood that female circumcision is not a religious obligation. There are no authentic texts in the primary sources of Islam that requires the act of female circumcision. It is permissible but not compulsory.

Secondly, from the medical perspective. Female circumcision practiced in Malaysia and most Asian countries nowadays are mostly done in hospitals and clinics. Experienced doctors will execute the operation and an assurance of minimal risk is given. In addition, the procedure does not involve any forms of mutilation of the female genitalia but only the removal of the prepuce. There are no health risks that are associated with it.

Thirdly, from the contextualization. The main problem is female circumcision done in African countries. Not only African nations lack medical expertise and equipments, the customs and traditions that are practiced are very much detrimental towards women's anatomy. Many of the cultures and traditions require women to undergo excision or infibulation, which are extremely harmful. And the circumcisions are done by village doctors and shamans who do not have adequate (or none at all) medicinal knowledge and the procedures are done roughly.

From the three perspectives I've pointed out, my personal opinion on female circumcision is as such. I am not against female circumcision not because of my religious obligation. I believe that the procedure can be done in ways in which it is not harmful i.e. the removal of the prepuce. However, I am against other female circumcision procedures such as excision and infibulation. There are apparent health risks that can cause long-term health problems i.e. hemorrhage, shock, and stones may form in the urethra and bladder because of obstruction and infection.

Efforts made to ban female circumcision are proven futile. It is conceded that coercion is not the best solution as much as such violent practice needs to be curtailed. The solution that can be used is to mould gradual change in the African community:

1) Community education.
A nationwide study conducted in 1985-1986 by the National Association of Nigerian Nurses and Midwives found that female circumcision was practiced in all states and that in five of the then 11 states at least 90% of the women had been cut. In response to this information, the organization designed an eradication campaign with support from Population Action International and the Program for Appropriate Technology in Health. The project trained health workers to teach individuals about the harmful effects of female circumcision and to work through religious organizations, women's organizations and social clubs to mobilize communities against the practice.

2) Alternative rituals
The organization Maendeleo Ya Wanawake carried out a pilot project in the Meru district of Kenya in 1996 to develop an alternative initiation ritual. Some 25 mother-daughter pairs participated in a six-day training session that included information on the consequences of female circumcision and how to defend the decision not to be cut. The session culminated in a coming-of-age celebration planned by the community, excluding circumcision but including gifts and special T-shirts for the initiates, skits, and "books of wisdom" prepared by the parents of each girl.

3) Drama
In Burkina Faso, the director of a local theater group developed a play, based on the experience of his niece, on the consequences of female circumcision; the play is aimed particularly at men. A grant from the Research Action and Information Network for Bodily Integrity of Women (RAINBO) enabled him to videotape the play and show it throughout the region.

All in all, banning female circumcision is not a good solution after all. The oppositions may view the practice as a violation of women and children's rights. However, not all forms of circumcisions are harmful and majority of Asian and African women do not think there is any encroachment of their rights.

As for me, if women want to undergo circumcision, let them do so. But it should only be done by an authorized doctor. Excision and infibulation should not be permitted at all. As for minors, consent from parents are important and they should also follow the abovementioned process of female circumcision. It is the best way to minimize health problems and at the same time, providing the privilige to practice an ancient tradtion.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Chitter chatter


Hello world!

Finally, after 21 years and four days, I have created my very own blog. It may be blah for some people, but it's an amazing feat for me. Hehe.. well, let's get to it!

The first thing I'm gonna talk about is pretty much unorthodox and certainly not a topic which novice bloggers like me would usually start off with: CIRCUMCISION.

I know. There must be a lot that are going through your minds right now. Maybe, like:

  • What the fuck?!
  • Oh... kay...
  • Oh my God!
  • Eww!
  • Circum... wha?
  • Or just an expression. Like this: O.O
So, before you pass (or already have) any of the abovementioned judgments, allow me to explain.

My brother had his circumcision yesterday. He was so eager to get it done because apparently, he was the only one amongst his peers who hadn't *snip snip*. After facing all the humiliation he could get from them, he firmly decided to
order my Papa to bring him to the doctor's and to go "a little bit off the top". Everything went well. He is healthy as a horse and doesn't react like any other "normal" kid boy would after such an ordeal.

What other boys fear, he demands. Something other boys accept as an inevitable consequence, he sees it as a road down to manliness. People may think he's just weird, I personally think he's simply special. Not being objective, you say? I say I just love the kid. =)