Hiatus

I will stop counting the days as to when I last published my post. I know my vow to consistency will not be entertained by any of you. But I will say it, regardless, whether you like it or not, I'll try my very best to always be here.

A lot of events have happened in the past few months. I've had my fair share of happy, and sad, and invigorating, and exhilarating, and dull, and profound, and angry... moments. But the thing that really ticked me off into writing was a simple movie. Probably most of you have seen it, 'tis was my first (yes, shame on me), 500 Days Of Summer.

It's amazing how the perception of an emotion, or even a word, called 'love', can be broken into many scintillating thoughts made by the human mind. Of course, such perceptions are influenced by life experience, culture, gender, psychology and, to a certain extent for some of us, religion. These are the nuances that make a person to believe in love or not. Some say true love is always out there and someone is definitely meant for you. Others will present their ideas by stating that superficiality can hardly be avoided. Thus, making love, somewhat, immaterial.

Alas, perceptions can always be altered or instilled or instigated or concealed. No one can truly give you an answer to what is love or how does love feel like. It is a chapter in our lives in which we have to wait for its presence to pass us by. Be it in a mother's touch, or a father's smile, or a brother's laughter, or a best friend's nudge, or a sister's embrace, or even a lover's kiss... we, who are lucky, will be able to feel the magic that love can bring us.

However, love is evil. It can easily take back the sweetness it gave us, or give none at all. Those who are unfortunate are those who never felt it before. Inevitably, this conceives skeptics, disbelievers, those who feel indifferent. The world in their eyes is painted in black and white, splurged with money, withered by materialism. All of those who are within this, we can only hope that love will finally come.

But these are only words of a layman. Of how she sees, of how she feels, and how she perceives. Despite of its 'setbacks', it can never be denied that love is truly beautiful.

So then, what is love to you?

Aidil Adha

Hello lovelies!

I know I've been absent for four days but I have my reasons! Hehe... I spent my Aidil Adha at my darling's house, celebrating it with his family. It was a wonderful occasion and I felt so welcomed to be a part of my love's family.

The best about it was... he now has a little sister!! XD Mummy adopted a little girl, aged 8. We call her Yaya but the boys called her Alien. Hahaha.. I don't blame them cause they've never had a sister before. So they don't know how to react to her or even what to say to her.

Honestly, I don't know how to treat a little girl either. Cause I have two younger brothers of my own. But I'm happy to say that I'm glad I was there. At least she's not too shy now to go up to the boys and have small chats with them.

That was my raya. Short and sweet. =)

It's Me and You

This is actually lyrics I've written based on a Japanese song. It has no correlation with the original meaning of the song whatsoever. It's just that it has a cute beat and somehow I was suddenly inspired to write one. This is dedicated to my loved one, Redhuan Malik. If you guys wanna karaoke to these lyrics (hehe), search up Joe Hisaishi's "Kaze ni Naru", an OST of the anime The Cat Returns. Have fun singing along! =D

Little raindrops hit softly on my big head

As I struggle to keep up with what I've read

Losing momentum while reading, well, I dread

Cause I don't wanna reread it again

Now, this is the cue for me to shut my book

And my mind wanders off thinking about you

I look at my phone and it says 'There's no text.'

I sigh and tell myself to not get vexed

It's so easy to get annoyed by you

And I don't know why I care like I do

But then when you're not around, I'll feel blue

It all started when you said, "I love you!"

CHORUS

It's the way you smile, it's the way you laugh

It's how you make lame jokes that make me barf

Then you turn around and sulk, crossing your arms, refuse to talk to me

Lalalalala Now, don't you look cute

Thank God this only happens with us two

This is when I come closer, hold your big hand, and say "I love you too!"

I giggled, and noticed that it stopped raining

Suddenly, my huge phone started ringing

It says on the screen it's 'Wan The Bear Wonder'

A teethy grin is all I could muster

I answered my phone and said, "Hello, my love."

And with his bass voice he asked, "Where are you?"

"I'm lazing around at home. How about you?"

"Come on down. I'll pick you up. Let's get food."

Some people might think this is meaningless

Wonder how both of us are so simple

Baby, there's no one we have to impress

It's because, and yes, you are that special

Repeat CHORUS (2X)

Change is not impossible

This is a story about my trials and tribulations when it comes to friendships. Everyone has their fair share of sweet and bitter memories. Now, let me tell you mine.

On the fateful month of June 2006, I received an offer letter to pursue my tertiary education in UiTM Kuantan. It stated that I was going to do pre-degree law. I was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. I was ecstatic to be furthering my studies. But I feared of going into an all Malay institution. Why? Because I was different. I was a vocal and frank person (still am, by the way). I would express delight to things or matters that I like and I would disdain those that I disliked. At that time, I truly believed in honesty. It was better to be blunt than to be a hypocrite or a coward.

All the above traits are not those that are embraced in the Malay culture. We are taught to be courteous, demure, and silent when needs be. Those are all good traits, mind you. But the problem is how it is exaggerated and difference is almost ignored upon.

So, there I was. In the middle of the hall in UiTM Jengka. It was our orientation week before we moved to Kuantan. There, I made friends. Before our departure to Kuantan, the seniors requested us to do a performance for everyone. That was when it all started.

All the pre-law students congregated and discussed what we should perform. Somehow or rather, due to the lack of memory that I had about that event, I was somewhat in-charge of the girls' side to tell what our plans were. We discussed and everything was consensually agreed upon. There were the rehearsals and all that jazz. Finally, we performed and everyone loved it. I had to admit that I was being very strict with a bunch of strangers. To them, they thought I was extremely bitchy and bossy. But to me, it was just so hard to organize all of them. When everything was over, we were off to Kuantan. Little that I knew, that amongst the girls, hatred was starting to grow.

In any school, we would always associate ourselves with a clique. I had a clique of my own and we did almost everything together. I didn't realize that the other girls complained to my clique how they hated the fact that I was very frank in whatever I say and they thought I was just plain rude. They claimed they "defended" me. But the hearsays persisted and they thought it was vital to have an intervention about my attitude. Everything came out. I didn't realize how much people I've hurt, which was inclusive of my own friends. They cried, I zoned out. I didn't know how I should digest all of that at one go. I felt ashamed of myself. They gave me an ultimatum. For some of them, they would severe our friendship if I didn't want to change. And it ended just there.

It was indeed a long semester for me. I have always believed in a principle that people should accept each other as who they are. There was no need for adaptation. Why would you adapt yourself to others for their own pleasure? How about your feelings? But clearly, it didn't matter there. So I adapted and changed my ways. Slowly but surely, I created more and more friends amongst the girls. One of them even said to me, "Babe, you're not bad at all. If I knew, I would've been friends with you earlier on." I only smiled. Truthfully, I didn't know how to react. But I was happy. Really happy that the change happened.

Still, karma is always a bitch. In my third and last semester, my clique turned their back against me. I went into an unknown dispute with one of my friends. But the whole group opted to push me away. I begged, I apologized, I wanted closure. They insisted on distancing themselves from me. I never knew the reason why and what they did was cruel.

There I was. Standing all alone after class, not knowing where to go and what to do. But then I found debating. I found friends who are worth keeping, who share the same things that I like, who are just as liberated. I could breathe again. Then it hit me. Friends are a person's lifeline. But only to those who are worth keeping. One day, the girl that I had an illusionary dispute came up to me and apologized. I cried and said it was alright. I apologized to her again and asked her why did we have to have this argument. She was silent for a moment. And then she said I should ask one of my friends in our clique if I want to know the reason why. I was dumbstruck. Our dispute was instigated by someone else. Someone whom everyone in the clique trusted the most. And the worse thing was, that friend of mine believed her without even verifying anything with me. I was so disappointed. I was so angry. I hated them. I hated the fact that they were childish. I couldn't accept how the ganged up against me just because a person said something. It wasn't high school anymore. I saved myself the drama and I cut all ties with them.

They were surprised how I could still survive without having them in my life. This was how I did. I created new friendships and I cherished those that are dear to me.

You see, interventions happen for a reason. It is for you to better yourself and mend all the wounds that you've made to friends that care about you. Running away and trying to be vindictive to others, like your family and your other friends, will only fuel more confrontation. If your friends really mean anything to you, then do something about it. Change yourself for the better. Don't blame others if they push you away because of legitimate reasons of your wrongdoings - which has already been expressed, mind you - and you still prance about of your innocence. Stand up, bite the bullet, and grow up. It's hard to do. But actions reflect what you really believe and want.

'Nuff said.

How would you want a girl to text you?

Yes, I owe you one post, my dear blog. However, due to time constraints I could only post one for now. Hehe...

Anyway, something random happened today. To all the guys out there, I bet you guys have had your share of saying out a list of pick up lines to girls. The ultimate goal at the end of the day is to either get her number or for the both of you to exchange numbers or for you to give her your number hoping that she'd get back to you. Some of these strategies have succeeded and some of them have failed miserably. Now, let me tell you a story of the latter.

I was walking down my apartment to meet up with my boyfriend. On the way down, I bumped into my high school friend and we had a little chat. Once the conversation was over, I continued walking. Whilst walking, I looked around and accidentally made eye contact with a guy. That was a normal occurrence that could happen to anyone one of us. When I've almost reached the gate, I was startled when suddenly, a guy called out to me. This was the dialogue:

Guy : Excuse me, miss.

Me : Erm... yes?

Guy : Here. (Handed me his business card) Kalau nak organize apa-apa, boleh lah contact ek.

Me : ............ Oh okay. Thank you.

Guy : Um, tumpang tanya. Kalau nak tau ada rumah sewa kosong kat sini, macam mana ye?

Me : Well, there's a notice board dekat dengan lift. You can get the numbers there.

Guy : Oh ye ke. I ingatkan nak cari rumah sewa kat sini.

Me : You boleh try kat maintenance office jugak. They usually have a list of siapa-siapa nak sewakan rumah dorang.

Guy : Okay. Thanks ek.

Me : Sure.

(I turned around and started to walk away. Suddenly, he called out to me again.)

Guy : Text me!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! It was so fucking funny!! How un-smooth can you be? Oh well, I went into my boyfriend's car and told him about the whole endeavor and gave him the business card. He called that guy a moron and he threw the card away later today.

Moral of the story is... asking a girl how to get phone numbers of available houses for rent with the excuse of giving her your business card and hoping that she'll text you at night, IS ONE OF THE LAMEST PICK UP LINE STRATEGIES EVER!

Cheers~ =D

Excessively emotional

This often happens when I'm bored and when I have nothing else better to do. I've been slobbering myself with romantic comedies since yesterday! I watched 27 Dresses and Sleepless in Seattle. And typically, I cried watching the sweet moments in those movies. After I'm done, I'd call my boyfriend and he'd sigh and laugh at me. In between my free time, I read 'Excessively Diverted' from Juliette Shapiro. It's a probable sequel (like a fanfic) to Jane Austen's unfinished 'Sanditon' cause she died too soon. I'm not surprised though. Back then, healthcare was horrible as fuck.

Why? What am I getting myself into? I guess all of these emotions of love make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. There's no other greater feeling in the world than to love someone and to have that person love you in return. It's a bliss and a pain too. Hahaha!

Have you ever wondered what is the 'ideal' relationship you've always wanted to have? I bet everyone has a different idea on how they want that to happen. As for me, it's to feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm with him. But I guess there'll always be a slippery slope somewhere. You see, when you know a person so well and love him so much, you tend to be very comfortable around him. When this instance persists, you become complacent. That's when shit hits the fan.

You act around him just how you'd act around your friends. Not that it's bad. But you get all mushy with him in front of others. The thing is they are alright with it. He's not. The point that I'm trying to make here is that the comfort zone I've created around him is starting to swallow me up whole. It's because I no longer have barriers when reacting in front of others when I'm with him and he feels embarrassed. As usual, I was being indignant. Defending myself by saying everyone else knew how we were and they were fine with it. But when he asked me have I ever considered him into picture, that was when I fell silent.

I think that's the problem I've been having. I did things that irk him but he was always patient with me. Still, lately we've been in arguments about how selfish I was by putting my interests before his. How it has always been about me. When in fact, he was going through so much but I didn't even see it until last night.

He's having a few family problems right now. When he told me all of his problems, it made me think of all the selfish things I made him do. He said that the family problems were giving him a really bad headache and all he wanted to do was to seek my company. So he could feel happy. That was why he got so angry every time I throw a tantrum. He didn't have anyone to turn to and it broke his heart. I couldn't stop tearing. How could I be so blind to not see all this? He was in pain and all I did was nothing.

But he said he felt better now. He vented out his frustration and I cheered him up.

I've finally realized how much I'm taking him for granted. Assuming that his everyday routine is fine without even asking him. I don't know how I've become so self-centered. Which I find very disgusting. Yes, I am disgusted with myself. I've been taking all of it and not giving. And all I have to do is to make him happy, which is the easiest thing to do.

Now, no reason for me to be selfish anymore. It's always an US in a relationship. Not a ME.

M.I.A. much?

My exams were over a couple of days ago. And suddenly some sort of epiphany just hit me... what ever happened to my blog? When I looked it up, I was surprised. It's been dead since April. This is when I hit my myself hard on the forehead. Where did all that big talk about consistently jotting down my thoughts? Obviously I got derailed along the way. I guess a 24-credit hour semester screws up your time management.

But then again, this might just be a lame excuse for me to overcompensate my problem with giving commitment to my blog. I've done you wrong, love. Now I'll TRY to pay more attention to you. Haha!

I thought my blog looked dull and depressing. The brown-coloured background was unwelcoming. No wonder I spite looking at it sometimes. Hence, unconsciously neglecting it for the past seven months.

So, now it has gone through maintenance, even though not that much. One thing is by the design itself I've seen how much a person changes over time. You tend to be more mature in due time, or otherwise. It's funny how I've used to despise the colour pink. But now it's my background. Hah! Still, it feels warm and fresh which is very inviting for me to write. =)

Done with that, I checked out other people's blogs. No, it's not me being in stalker mode. Just curious to know what others are up to. Suddenly, I wonder. Why do people blog anyway?

Some of my peers do it for the sake of doing it. There are others who treat it as a platform to cater to their vanity. Oh, trust me. A friend has showed me her acquittance's blog, she was so full of herself! And there are those who used it as verbal diarrhea to vent out their anger, angst and hatred. I was like, wow. This is what it has come down to. On the other hand, it's each to his own.

To me, there are certain things that are worth sharing with everyone and there are certain things which you just shut up about. But I understand that people have different ways in expressing themselves and one way is to write about them. Still, I really think that anonymity should be put into place when talking (or complaining) about a person or event that most persons who follow you would know. Yeah, people love to hear, see and read about drama. But overexposure can be a real pain. I mean, no one likes the drama king/queen or the Tell-It-All. But hey, there's no right or wrong. You might say "Screw you!" when you read this. Not like I care though. There you go. An attitude that fits all who writes. =)

To think of it again, it's not much of what you write, but it's how you write it. A person's work of art (which I consider writing as) invokes emotions - to the writer and to the readers. It's inevitable that what you write reflects who you are. Now, my personality isn't the kind that's adorned by others. Not everyone can accept the YOU you want others to perceive. But I guess if a person has accepted the consequential effects of what he/she writes, then hey. Be my guess and say all you want. Just be classy when you do it. You can't believe how you can easily get away with it and judgments won't be passed just as quickly or as mean. ;)

"I might not agree to whatever you say. But I won't deny your right to say it."

Cheerios!