This is a story about my trials and tribulations when it comes to friendships. Everyone has their fair share of sweet and bitter memories. Now, let me tell you mine.
On the fateful month of June 2006, I received an offer letter to pursue my tertiary education in UiTM Kuantan. It stated that I was going to do pre-degree law. I was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. I was ecstatic to be furthering my studies. But I feared of going into an all Malay institution. Why? Because I was different. I was a vocal and frank person (still am, by the way). I would express delight to things or matters that I like and I would disdain those that I disliked. At that time, I truly believed in honesty. It was better to be blunt than to be a hypocrite or a coward.
All the above traits are not those that are embraced in the Malay culture. We are taught to be courteous, demure, and silent when needs be. Those are all good traits, mind you. But the problem is how it is exaggerated and difference is almost ignored upon.
So, there I was. In the middle of the hall in UiTM Jengka. It was our orientation week before we moved to Kuantan. There, I made friends. Before our departure to Kuantan, the seniors requested us to do a performance for everyone. That was when it all started.
All the pre-law students congregated and discussed what we should perform. Somehow or rather, due to the lack of memory that I had about that event, I was somewhat in-charge of the girls' side to tell what our plans were. We discussed and everything was consensually agreed upon. There were the rehearsals and all that jazz. Finally, we performed and everyone loved it. I had to admit that I was being very strict with a bunch of strangers. To them, they thought I was extremely bitchy and bossy. But to me, it was just so hard to organize all of them. When everything was over, we were off to Kuantan. Little that I knew, that amongst the girls, hatred was starting to grow.
In any school, we would always associate ourselves with a clique. I had a clique of my own and we did almost everything together. I didn't realize that the other girls complained to my clique how they hated the fact that I was very frank in whatever I say and they thought I was just plain rude. They claimed they "defended" me. But the hearsays persisted and they thought it was vital to have an intervention about my attitude. Everything came out. I didn't realize how much people I've hurt, which was inclusive of my own friends. They cried, I zoned out. I didn't know how I should digest all of that at one go. I felt ashamed of myself. They gave me an ultimatum. For some of them, they would severe our friendship if I didn't want to change. And it ended just there.
It was indeed a long semester for me. I have always believed in a principle that people should accept each other as who they are. There was no need for adaptation. Why would you adapt yourself to others for their own pleasure? How about your feelings? But clearly, it didn't matter there. So I adapted and changed my ways. Slowly but surely, I created more and more friends amongst the girls. One of them even said to me, "Babe, you're not bad at all. If I knew, I would've been friends with you earlier on." I only smiled. Truthfully, I didn't know how to react. But I was happy. Really happy that the change happened.
Still, karma is always a bitch. In my third and last semester, my clique turned their back against me. I went into an unknown dispute with one of my friends. But the whole group opted to push me away. I begged, I apologized, I wanted closure. They insisted on distancing themselves from me. I never knew the reason why and what they did was cruel.
There I was. Standing all alone after class, not knowing where to go and what to do. But then I found debating. I found friends who are worth keeping, who share the same things that I like, who are just as liberated. I could breathe again. Then it hit me. Friends are a person's lifeline. But only to those who are worth keeping. One day, the girl that I had an illusionary dispute came up to me and apologized. I cried and said it was alright. I apologized to her again and asked her why did we have to have this argument. She was silent for a moment. And then she said I should ask one of my friends in our clique if I want to know the reason why. I was dumbstruck. Our dispute was instigated by someone else. Someone whom everyone in the clique trusted the most. And the worse thing was, that friend of mine believed her without even verifying anything with me. I was so disappointed. I was so angry. I hated them. I hated the fact that they were childish. I couldn't accept how the ganged up against me just because a person said something. It wasn't high school anymore. I saved myself the drama and I cut all ties with them.
They were surprised how I could still survive without having them in my life. This was how I did. I created new friendships and I cherished those that are dear to me.
You see, interventions happen for a reason. It is for you to better yourself and mend all the wounds that you've made to friends that care about you. Running away and trying to be vindictive to others, like your family and your other friends, will only fuel more confrontation. If your friends really mean anything to you, then do something about it. Change yourself for the better. Don't blame others if they push you away because of legitimate reasons of your wrongdoings - which has already been expressed, mind you - and you still prance about of your innocence. Stand up, bite the bullet, and grow up. It's hard to do. But actions reflect what you really believe and want.
'Nuff said.
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