Truth hurts

I cheated on my boyfriend.

We've been together for eight months now. Everything was fine. But all of it shattered on 10 December 2009. My boyfriend found out that I was cheating on him. That I had a scandal with my ex-boyfriend. I was shocked when he told me about it. He was devastated when he found out.

Other than Facebook, another active social networking site that I had an account was Myspace. That was where I kept my darkest secret. In Myspace, my boyfriend was not my partner. But it was my ex and I declared to be his Mrs. We had been going on with this secret for the last four months of my relationship with my boyfriend. That's half the time I've been with my boyfriend.

For a moment, I lost him. He was a furious man. He told our closest friends and eventually to everyone he knew that I had cheated on him. He told my mother and my sister about it. The woman he regarded as the love of his life, the only woman he placed his loyalty to, the woman he wanted to share his future with. I broke all my vows and promises to him in a blink of an eye.

He asked me why. Why would I do such a thing to him. Was it because the love he gave me wasn't enough? Was it the attention that he sacrificed for me inadequate? What was it? What?

He still doesn't believe me when I say this. And I bet none of you will. But he didn't do anything less. His love and care and attention for me were more than enough. It was all me. I was selfish and greedy.

My ex-boyfriend was very persistent. He called and he texted. Non-stop. Urging me to be his friend. Telling me that things would be strictly platonic. That was when I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I loved the extra attention that my ex was giving me. I didn't need it. I selfishly thought that this man would give me attention even though he knew that I was with someone else. That I was happy with that someone else. Selfishly I thought, why let the opportunity go. I allowed him to linger.

I knew that at the end of the day, I would not end up in a serious relationship with my ex. I even told him that in his face. The only man that I would run to, every time, is my boyfriend. Each day that passes by I have never loved my boyfriend any less. It just grows more and more. But both of us were selfish bastards. He still decided to stick around, I still let him stay.

On that fateful night, I was begging to my boyfriend not to let me go. To give me another chance. But all hope was lost. My boyfriend doesn't trust me anymore. He doesn't believe in anything I say.

I kept begging and begging to him to not let me go. He said he wanted prove that I won't repeat this mistake ever again. How is he supposed to trust me after what I'd done to him? I said the only way I could prove it to him was if he gave me a second chance. Only then I can amend things. Only then I can patch up our relationship.

He was not convinced. He needed something more concrete. My heart cried out that I will take responsibility for my mistakes. That I will do whatever it takes to have a place in his heart again. I took the Quran and I swore in front of him. In the name of Allah. I swore that I will not cheat on him ever again. I swore that he will be the only man I love with all my heart. And if this relationship was to end, it will be the day when I die or the day when God has decided that we aren't fated for each other. That was how much I wanted to be with him.

12 December 2009. It was my 21st birthday. I met my Mum and we celebrated it. And over lunch, I told her all my darkest secrets. My Mum was shocked to know that her daughter was a slut. She was sad to know that her daughter was a selfish bitch that could hurt the feelings of the man her daughter has loved so dearly. I came clean. I told my Mum everything. Her only reaction was silence. She didn't say a word.

My Mum invited my boyfriend over. To discuss things out. He came. We sat down at a coffee shop. There, he told my Mum everything he felt. The pain, the humiliation, the betrayal. Everything. My Mum tried her best to console him. But she knew that he had the right to feel as such. We knew. After all of that, I told my Mum what I was, who I was in front of my boyfriend. It was painful for a mother to listen to all that. But my mother deserved to know. I had betrayed the man I love so much. I had betrayed my family who have loved him. And I was willing to pay the price. To do whatever it takes. I told her about my oath.

It was a cold scene. But on that day, I had the best birthday gift ever. My boyfriend gave me a second chance. I was delighted. He meant the world to me. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. And I wouldn't take that risk ever again.

Now, I have to earn my boyfriend's trust all over again. We're back to square one. Last night, he told me that he's skipping on a rope right on top of the fine line between love and hate. Whatever actions that I do after this, will affect the side he will tilt towards. And he said he wants to tilt to the love side so much. But only I can make him do that. I must show him prove of my sincerity.

He said, "It was your curfew which kept you from going to bed with Dauz. Not your love for us, not trust, not loyalty, not faith, not anything but your curfew. You think about it. So what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to have faith in you? It's not responsibility, loyalty or love but a silly curfew."

I will never deny the possibility of things going overboard if I hadn't stayed in campus. But I've never had any sexual intimacy with my ex for the past four months. Still, I understand the insecurities and doubts that my boyfriend have due to this possibility. I'm glad that it never happened.

I will prove it to him. He should have faith in me. Right here and now I will make a public declaration of my previous acts and the future acts that I'm going to do.

I ADMIT, WHOLEHEARTEDLY, THAT I HAVE BEEN PROMISCUOUS TO MY BOYFRIEND. I HAD CHEATED ON HIM FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS. I HAD MET MY EX TWICE A MONTH IN THOSE FOUR MONTHS. I ADMIT NOW, TO EVERYONE, THAT I HAD STOOPED THAT LOW AND BETRAYED THE LOVE OF THE MAN WHO HAD GIVEN IT TO ME FAITHFULLY AND BEING EVER SO LOYAL TO ME.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE. TO REDEEM MYSELF. TO EARN HIS LOVE AND TRUST ALL OVER AGAIN. AND AS FOR PROVE, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A PUBLIC DECLARATION TO EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME. I WILL NOT BE UNFAITHFUL TO MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. HE WILL BE THE ONLY MAN THAT I'LL GIVE MY FULL LOVE AND ATTENTION TO. I HAVE MADE AN OATH TO GOD, A PROMISE TO MY MOTHER, AND NOW A PROMISE TO ALL OF YOU. YOU ARE ALL MY WITNESSES.

I LOVE REDHUAN SO MUCH. NO ONE ELSE. AND I AM VERY CONFIDENT IN WHAT I SAY. I WILL ONLY GIVE MY FULL COMMITMENT TO HIM.