Blurbs and Bloopers of a Psychedelic Girl

Hiatus

2011-04-14T01:52:00.002+08:00

I will stop counting the days as to when I last published my post. I know my vow to consistency will not be entertained by any of you. But I will say it, regardless, whether you like it or not, I'll try my very best to always be here.

A lot of events have happened in the past few months. I've had my fair share of happy, and sad, and invigorating, and exhilarating, and dull, and profound, and angry... moments. But the thing that really ticked me off into writing was a simple movie. Probably most of you have seen it, 'tis was my first (yes, shame on me), 500 Days Of Summer.

It's amazing how the perception of an emotion, or even a word, called 'love', can be broken into many scintillating thoughts made by the human mind. Of course, such perceptions are influenced by life experience, culture, gender, psychology and, to a certain extent for some of us, religion. These are the nuances that make a person to believe in love or not. Some say true love is always out there and someone is definitely meant for you. Others will present their ideas by stating that superficiality can hardly be avoided. Thus, making love, somewhat, immaterial.

Alas, perceptions can always be altered or instilled or instigated or concealed. No one can truly give you an answer to what is love or how does love feel like. It is a chapter in our lives in which we have to wait for its presence to pass us by. Be it in a mother's touch, or a father's smile, or a brother's laughter, or a best friend's nudge, or a sister's embrace, or even a lover's kiss... we, who are lucky, will be able to feel the magic that love can bring us.

However, love is evil. It can easily take back the sweetness it gave us, or give none at all. Those who are unfortunate are those who never felt it before. Inevitably, this conceives skeptics, disbelievers, those who feel indifferent. The world in their eyes is painted in black and white, splurged with money, withered by materialism. All of those who are within this, we can only hope that love will finally come.

But these are only words of a layman. Of how she sees, of how she feels, and how she perceives. Despite of its 'setbacks', it can never be denied that love is truly beautiful.

So then, what is love to you?

Aidil Adha

2010-11-20T15:49:00.002+08:00

Hello lovelies!

I know I've been absent for four days but I have my reasons! Hehe... I spent my Aidil Adha at my darling's house, celebrating it with his family. It was a wonderful occasion and I felt so welcomed to be a part of my love's family.

The best about it was... he now has a little sister!! XD Mummy adopted a little girl, aged 8. We call her Yaya but the boys called her Alien. Hahaha.. I don't blame them cause they've never had a sister before. So they don't know how to react to her or even what to say to her.

Honestly, I don't know how to treat a little girl either. Cause I have two younger brothers of my own. But I'm happy to say that I'm glad I was there. At least she's not too shy now to go up to the boys and have small chats with them.

That was my raya. Short and sweet. =)

It's Me and You

2010-11-15T21:59:00.005+08:00

This is actually lyrics I've written based on a Japanese song. It has no correlation with the original meaning of the song whatsoever. It's just that it has a cute beat and somehow I was suddenly inspired to write one. This is dedicated to my loved one, Redhuan Malik. If you guys wanna karaoke to these lyrics (hehe), search up Joe Hisaishi's "Kaze ni Naru", an OST of the anime The Cat Returns. Have fun singing along! =D

Little raindrops hit softly on my big head

As I struggle to keep up with what I've read

Losing momentum while reading, well, I dread

Cause I don't wanna reread it again

Now, this is the cue for me to shut my book

And my mind wanders off thinking about you

I look at my phone and it says 'There's no text.'

I sigh and tell myself to not get vexed

It's so easy to get annoyed by you

And I don't know why I care like I do

But then when you're not around, I'll feel blue

It all started when you said, "I love you!"

CHORUS

It's the way you smile, it's the way you laugh

It's how you make lame jokes that make me barf

Then you turn around and sulk, crossing your arms, refuse to talk to me

Lalalalala Now, don't you look cute

Thank God this only happens with us two

This is when I come closer, hold your big hand, and say "I love you too!"

I giggled, and noticed that it stopped raining

Suddenly, my huge phone started ringing

It says on the screen it's 'Wan The Bear Wonder'

A teethy grin is all I could muster

I answered my phone and said, "Hello, my love."

And with his bass voice he asked, "Where are you?"

"I'm lazing around at home. How about you?"

"Come on down. I'll pick you up. Let's get food."

Some people might think this is meaningless

Wonder how both of us are so simple

Baby, there's no one we have to impress

It's because, and yes, you are that special

Repeat CHORUS (2X)

Change is not impossible

2010-11-14T15:10:00.002+08:00

This is a story about my trials and tribulations when it comes to friendships. Everyone has their fair share of sweet and bitter memories. Now, let me tell you mine.

On the fateful month of June 2006, I received an offer letter to pursue my tertiary education in UiTM Kuantan. It stated that I was going to do pre-degree law. I was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. I was ecstatic to be furthering my studies. But I feared of going into an all Malay institution. Why? Because I was different. I was a vocal and frank person (still am, by the way). I would express delight to things or matters that I like and I would disdain those that I disliked. At that time, I truly believed in honesty. It was better to be blunt than to be a hypocrite or a coward.

All the above traits are not those that are embraced in the Malay culture. We are taught to be courteous, demure, and silent when needs be. Those are all good traits, mind you. But the problem is how it is exaggerated and difference is almost ignored upon.

So, there I was. In the middle of the hall in UiTM Jengka. It was our orientation week before we moved to Kuantan. There, I made friends. Before our departure to Kuantan, the seniors requested us to do a performance for everyone. That was when it all started.

All the pre-law students congregated and discussed what we should perform. Somehow or rather, due to the lack of memory that I had about that event, I was somewhat in-charge of the girls' side to tell what our plans were. We discussed and everything was consensually agreed upon. There were the rehearsals and all that jazz. Finally, we performed and everyone loved it. I had to admit that I was being very strict with a bunch of strangers. To them, they thought I was extremely bitchy and bossy. But to me, it was just so hard to organize all of them. When everything was over, we were off to Kuantan. Little that I knew, that amongst the girls, hatred was starting to grow.

In any school, we would always associate ourselves with a clique. I had a clique of my own and we did almost everything together. I didn't realize that the other girls complained to my clique how they hated the fact that I was very frank in whatever I say and they thought I was just plain rude. They claimed they "defended" me. But the hearsays persisted and they thought it was vital to have an intervention about my attitude. Everything came out. I didn't realize how much people I've hurt, which was inclusive of my own friends. They cried, I zoned out. I didn't know how I should digest all of that at one go. I felt ashamed of myself. They gave me an ultimatum. For some of them, they would severe our friendship if I didn't want to change. And it ended just there.

It was indeed a long semester for me. I have always believed in a principle that people should accept each other as who they are. There was no need for adaptation. Why would you adapt yourself to others for their own pleasure? How about your feelings? But clearly, it didn't matter there. So I adapted and changed my ways. Slowly but surely, I created more and more friends amongst the girls. One of them even said to me, "Babe, you're not bad at all. If I knew, I would've been friends with you earlier on." I only smiled. Truthfully, I didn't know how to react. But I was happy. Really happy that the change happened.

Still, karma is always a bitch. In my third and last semester, my clique turned their back against me. I went into an unknown dispute with one of my friends. But the whole group opted to push me away. I begged, I apologized, I wanted closure. They insisted on distancing themselves from me. I never knew the reason why and what they did was cruel.

There I was. Standing all alone after class, not knowing where to go and what to do. But then I found debating. I found friends who are worth keeping, who share the same things that I like, who are just as liberated. I could breathe again. Then it hit me. Friends are a person's lifeline. But only to those who are worth keeping. One day, the girl that I had an illusionary dispute came up to me and apologized. I cried and said it was alright. I apologized to her again and asked her why did we have to have this argument. She was silent for a moment. And then she said I should ask one of my friends in our clique if I want to know the reason why. I was dumbstruck. Our dispute was instigated by someone else. Someone whom everyone in the clique trusted the most. And the worse thing was, that friend of mine believed her without even verifying anything with me. I was so disappointed. I was so angry. I hated them. I hated the fact that they were childish. I couldn't accept how the ganged up against me just because a person said something. It wasn't high school anymore. I saved myself the drama and I cut all ties with them.

They were surprised how I could still survive without having them in my life. This was how I did. I created new friendships and I cherished those that are dear to me.

You see, interventions happen for a reason. It is for you to better yourself and mend all the wounds that you've made to friends that care about you. Running away and trying to be vindictive to others, like your family and your other friends, will only fuel more confrontation. If your friends really mean anything to you, then do something about it. Change yourself for the better. Don't blame others if they push you away because of legitimate reasons of your wrongdoings - which has already been expressed, mind you - and you still prance about of your innocence. Stand up, bite the bullet, and grow up. It's hard to do. But actions reflect what you really believe and want.

'Nuff said.

How would you want a girl to text you?

2010-11-13T00:21:00.000+08:00

Yes, I owe you one post, my dear blog. However, due to time constraints I could only post one for now. Hehe...

Anyway, something random happened today. To all the guys out there, I bet you guys have had your share of saying out a list of pick up lines to girls. The ultimate goal at the end of the day is to either get her number or for the both of you to exchange numbers or for you to give her your number hoping that she'd get back to you. Some of these strategies have succeeded and some of them have failed miserably. Now, let me tell you a story of the latter.

I was walking down my apartment to meet up with my boyfriend. On the way down, I bumped into my high school friend and we had a little chat. Once the conversation was over, I continued walking. Whilst walking, I looked around and accidentally made eye contact with a guy. That was a normal occurrence that could happen to anyone one of us. When I've almost reached the gate, I was startled when suddenly, a guy called out to me. This was the dialogue:

Guy : Excuse me, miss.

Me : Erm... yes?

Guy : Here. (Handed me his business card) Kalau nak organize apa-apa, boleh lah contact ek.

Me : ............ Oh okay. Thank you.

Guy : Um, tumpang tanya. Kalau nak tau ada rumah sewa kosong kat sini, macam mana ye?

Me : Well, there's a notice board dekat dengan lift. You can get the numbers there.

Guy : Oh ye ke. I ingatkan nak cari rumah sewa kat sini.

Me : You boleh try kat maintenance office jugak. They usually have a list of siapa-siapa nak sewakan rumah dorang.

Guy : Okay. Thanks ek.

Me : Sure.

(I turned around and started to walk away. Suddenly, he called out to me again.)

Guy : Text me!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! It was so fucking funny!! How un-smooth can you be? Oh well, I went into my boyfriend's car and told him about the whole endeavor and gave him the business card. He called that guy a moron and he threw the card away later today.

Moral of the story is... asking a girl how to get phone numbers of available houses for rent with the excuse of giving her your business card and hoping that she'll text you at night, IS ONE OF THE LAMEST PICK UP LINE STRATEGIES EVER!

Cheers~ =D

Excessively emotional

2010-11-10T16:50:00.002+08:00

This often happens when I'm bored and when I have nothing else better to do. I've been slobbering myself with romantic comedies since yesterday! I watched 27 Dresses and Sleepless in Seattle. And typically, I cried watching the sweet moments in those movies. After I'm done, I'd call my boyfriend and he'd sigh and laugh at me. In between my free time, I read 'Excessively Diverted' from Juliette Shapiro. It's a probable sequel (like a fanfic) to Jane Austen's unfinished 'Sanditon' cause she died too soon. I'm not surprised though. Back then, healthcare was horrible as fuck.

Why? What am I getting myself into? I guess all of these emotions of love make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. There's no other greater feeling in the world than to love someone and to have that person love you in return. It's a bliss and a pain too. Hahaha!

Have you ever wondered what is the 'ideal' relationship you've always wanted to have? I bet everyone has a different idea on how they want that to happen. As for me, it's to feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm with him. But I guess there'll always be a slippery slope somewhere. You see, when you know a person so well and love him so much, you tend to be very comfortable around him. When this instance persists, you become complacent. That's when shit hits the fan.

You act around him just how you'd act around your friends. Not that it's bad. But you get all mushy with him in front of others. The thing is they are alright with it. He's not. The point that I'm trying to make here is that the comfort zone I've created around him is starting to swallow me up whole. It's because I no longer have barriers when reacting in front of others when I'm with him and he feels embarrassed. As usual, I was being indignant. Defending myself by saying everyone else knew how we were and they were fine with it. But when he asked me have I ever considered him into picture, that was when I fell silent.

I think that's the problem I've been having. I did things that irk him but he was always patient with me. Still, lately we've been in arguments about how selfish I was by putting my interests before his. How it has always been about me. When in fact, he was going through so much but I didn't even see it until last night.

He's having a few family problems right now. When he told me all of his problems, it made me think of all the selfish things I made him do. He said that the family problems were giving him a really bad headache and all he wanted to do was to seek my company. So he could feel happy. That was why he got so angry every time I throw a tantrum. He didn't have anyone to turn to and it broke his heart. I couldn't stop tearing. How could I be so blind to not see all this? He was in pain and all I did was nothing.

But he said he felt better now. He vented out his frustration and I cheered him up.

I've finally realized how much I'm taking him for granted. Assuming that his everyday routine is fine without even asking him. I don't know how I've become so self-centered. Which I find very disgusting. Yes, I am disgusted with myself. I've been taking all of it and not giving. And all I have to do is to make him happy, which is the easiest thing to do.

Now, no reason for me to be selfish anymore. It's always an US in a relationship. Not a ME.

M.I.A. much?

2010-11-09T02:32:00.002+08:00

My exams were over a couple of days ago. And suddenly some sort of epiphany just hit me... what ever happened to my blog? When I looked it up, I was surprised. It's been dead since April. This is when I hit my myself hard on the forehead. Where did all that big talk about consistently jotting down my thoughts? Obviously I got derailed along the way. I guess a 24-credit hour semester screws up your time management.

But then again, this might just be a lame excuse for me to overcompensate my problem with giving commitment to my blog. I've done you wrong, love. Now I'll TRY to pay more attention to you. Haha!

I thought my blog looked dull and depressing. The brown-coloured background was unwelcoming. No wonder I spite looking at it sometimes. Hence, unconsciously neglecting it for the past seven months.

So, now it has gone through maintenance, even though not that much. One thing is by the design itself I've seen how much a person changes over time. You tend to be more mature in due time, or otherwise. It's funny how I've used to despise the colour pink. But now it's my background. Hah! Still, it feels warm and fresh which is very inviting for me to write. =)

Done with that, I checked out other people's blogs. No, it's not me being in stalker mode. Just curious to know what others are up to. Suddenly, I wonder. Why do people blog anyway?

Some of my peers do it for the sake of doing it. There are others who treat it as a platform to cater to their vanity. Oh, trust me. A friend has showed me her acquittance's blog, she was so full of herself! And there are those who used it as verbal diarrhea to vent out their anger, angst and hatred. I was like, wow. This is what it has come down to. On the other hand, it's each to his own.

To me, there are certain things that are worth sharing with everyone and there are certain things which you just shut up about. But I understand that people have different ways in expressing themselves and one way is to write about them. Still, I really think that anonymity should be put into place when talking (or complaining) about a person or event that most persons who follow you would know. Yeah, people love to hear, see and read about drama. But overexposure can be a real pain. I mean, no one likes the drama king/queen or the Tell-It-All. But hey, there's no right or wrong. You might say "Screw you!" when you read this. Not like I care though. There you go. An attitude that fits all who writes. =)

To think of it again, it's not much of what you write, but it's how you write it. A person's work of art (which I consider writing as) invokes emotions - to the writer and to the readers. It's inevitable that what you write reflects who you are. Now, my personality isn't the kind that's adorned by others. Not everyone can accept the YOU you want others to perceive. But I guess if a person has accepted the consequential effects of what he/she writes, then hey. Be my guess and say all you want. Just be classy when you do it. You can't believe how you can easily get away with it and judgments won't be passed just as quickly or as mean. ;)

"I might not agree to whatever you say. But I won't deny your right to say it."

Cheerios!

Oh, hello there.

2010-04-23T03:08:00.008+08:00

It's obvious that it's been ages since I last posted anything on my blog. Well, there are several reasons why: it's either I was doing something more important or I was occupied with something more interesting or my broadband fucked up. But I think the main contributor to this ridiculous hiatus is my laziness. I had no motivation whatsoever to blog. But I thought I'd give it a visit. It's unfair to just leave it dead. I don't want to be an owner of something inanimate, what more morbid and stagnant.

So, a lot has happened throughout my absence here. One of the most memorable occasions that happened was on 6 April 2010. It was my one year anniversary with Redhuan Malik. A simple yet beautiful occasion which was celebrated together with my lovely mum. We've been through many highs and especially lows. And yet, we came out triumphant with a lot of patience, tolerance and most importantly love towards each other. Our relationship is blessed by both families and mutual friends. And I hope the Lord blesses this wonderful relationship as well.

A memoir in Johore

At Pelita, Jalan Ampang after watching Stifler's gig at Maison

Tidbit gifts for my baby

Redhuan & Natassha

Next: A couple of weeks ago, Mai and Min brought back two kittens to the house. They are black as ebony! I shit you not. It's only natural to not spot them; it's because they like to sit on black-coloured bags (the irony of it) or we end up accidentally stepping on them. Small creatures, they are. But they are adorable nonetheless. And growing horizontally, at a very rapid pace like nobody's business, I give you Benny and Lilly.

But not everything was coated with cotton candy. Recently, I've witnessed a friendship that was built after three years shatter into pieces. I wasn't directly affected by it. It was a feud between my friends who happened to be best friends and we're all in the same click. I might never know what exactly happened and why it happened in such a way because there's always two sides of the story. Yet, the friendship ended for good. Feelings were hurt and emotions rampaged. On the contrary, both sides moved on which is a good thing. Things always happen for a reason. That's why I won't take sides. They are all still my friends, regardless of how ill the think of each other.

This was so random. I was rekindled with one of my favourite cartoons that I enjoyed as a child. Redhuan Malik reconnected me with Daria. The good old days are coming back to me. She is still as awesome as how I thought she was back when I was a kid. Good show.

Daria Morgendorffer

On another note, I wished one of my friends happy birthday on Facebook a couple of days ago. I haven't seen nor talked to her for four years. I find it really amusing how some people can manage to keep a grudge for so long. She thanked me for the wish and she decided to splendidly open up to me on my wall post. Yes, it means the comment she made was very much public. I was shocked. I asked her what did I ever do to her and apparently, I said something offensive over our last phone conversation a few years back which I'm finding it an extremely hard time to recall. But then again, she could've just said it to me then. She should have known me better by just being forthcoming about it; the fact that we were in the same click for two years. I'd have to say it doesn't bother me that much. It's only human to say the wrong things at the wrong time. Depends on the person who's at the receiving end to tell it out to us or not. And she decided to tell it to me after all this while. Still, I apologized. I did feel bad about the whole thing. Glad to know that I'm not heartless.

And now, it's the exam season. My first paper is not until next Monday. The wait is so painful but who am I to complain. A short summary of what has happened. Well, the ones that I remembered, of course. All of them are quite recent, actually. Fair enough.

Hibernation

2010-01-22T16:10:00.002+08:00

Hello there! Oh gosh, I haven't blogged for like what, 17 days? Hahahaha! Now that's a record. Well, I've been pretty occupied with a lot of stuff since school started on the fourth. Classes, debates, catching up with friends and other bla blas filled my daily agendas. Another reason why I haven't blogged for quite some time was because of my broadband. Apparently, I can't go online in my hostel room. The connection there is really really bad which sucks. It's very disheartening when I've to do my research or check my mail cause I'm at my room most of the time. Bummer.. =(

Anyway, there's nothing much to talk about. Or rather, there are too many things going on that I don't know where to start. Haha!

Toodles! =D

Butterfingers

2010-01-05T09:53:00.002+08:00

I dropped my phone in the toilet!! I was doing my laundry and I accidently knocked it off with my right arm. It didn't just fell onto the floor. IT FELL INTO A PUDDLE OF WATER!! T.T

I started to panic. I dried it off with my towel and tried to turn it on. It was alive!! But the screen's dead. Oh no! I began to cry and I called my boyfriend. He calmed me down. He told me to take out the battery and the SIM card and everything else that can be taken off. And then place the phone vertically overnight so that all the water in it could drain out. And I did just that. I went to sleep feeling depressed.

I turned on my phone this morning and... the screen worked! It went on and off a few times but it was steady after a few minutes. I opened every application to check whether there were any malfunctions. But it was all good. Alhamdulillah.. now I'm charging it before I go to class.

Oh my God, I'm such a clutz. I will NEVER EVER do such a mistake again. I love my phone and it was a gift. So now I'm gonna protect it with my life. And I mean it!

Mocha Latte

2010-01-04T07:47:00.003+08:00

To those of you who know me well, you'd probably be surprised that I'm up early today. It's no surprise really cause it's the first day of school! It's a new year and a new semester. I'm pumped up! But irony has its way to bid me hello.

I was supposed to move in to my hostel last Saturday. However, I filed in my application in the non-conventional way. I wrote an appeal letter to the Vice Chancellor of my school regarding the accommodation and it was approved. The head of hostels at my school are called Principals. So the Principal of the hostel I'm staying approved it as well. But I guess I was too excited about getting things settled, I forgot to photostat a copy of the letter for my own reference. When I came last Saturday, with the abundance of my property in Mummy's car, I couldn't register. I didn't have the pre-registration slip, the hostel fees receipt, and other documents. Why? Cause it wasn't mentioned by the Principal to me at all during our meeting. And he told me that I can move in whenever I want before classes begin. The thing is, none of the hostel staff knew what to do. They weren't notified of my "special" situation. So the hostel staff told me to come today, because the Principal will be in. Apparently, the Principal kept my letter. For what reason I don't know. So now I have to settle my hostel issues in the non-conventional way as well. It's a hassle but it's not something I can't deal with.

At the moment, I'm enjoying an awesome breakfast at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in KL Sentral before I depart to Shah Alam. I'm having a mocha latte and a chicken pie. A little bit of a splurge but it's definitely worth it. Ahh.. heaven.

That means I'm not going to my morning class. It sucks cause I've reserved all my enthusiasm for today yet I can't manifest it. That is why I need to have this breakfast. It's a happy-mood-moment for me so that I can go through today with a huge smile on my face. It's gonna be a long day. That's why I have to be positive all the way.

I hope everything goes well. If not, I'll put on a frown and Papa will start barking. It's not a nice scene when that happens, you know. After all of that, I hope to meet my baby later today. He's my happy pill and I miss him like no body's business. Haha!

So, I'm looking forward to having a nice day. And I hope you guys do too. =)

Hello hello!

2010-01-03T14:23:00.002+08:00

My last post was... nine days ago. Haha! Many things happened along the way. But I was either too lazy to blog or I was dead tired.

We have ushered in a new year and 2010 is now at our doorstep. Some are enthusiastic and some otherwise. Nevertheless, let's hope that 2010 will bring us more fun and happiness than last year. We're all a year older now. And it's time to get wiser.

Alright peeps. Will be back to blog if there's anything I feel like sharing with the world. Au revoir!

Everlast-ing

2009-12-25T01:00:00.003+08:00

I rarely go on a shopping spree. RARELY. This is basically because of three reasons: 1) I don't earn my own money. Yet. 2) I don't have a monthly fixed allowance from my parents. 3) I don't ask for anything if it's not a necessary thing for me to have. But when the opportunity comes, I won't put it to waste! Hehe...

My family and I went shopping yesterday. It was the "shopping for the kids" day! Yay! My kid brother got himself two pairs of funky pants from Ex Unlimited and Crazee Croxx. My baby brother got a shirt, a pair of khaki pants - both from Osh Kosh B'gosh - and an Ultraman toy. As for me, I got myself these!!!!

These babies are vintage Everlast sneakers! And they were on sale too! The price went down from RM249.90 to RM89.90!! I just had to buy it. They came in three colours: white, black and burgundy. I wanted to get the burgundy ones but my size was out of stock. No matter. The white ones are just as pretty. ;D

And now I'm so happy!! We're probably going to Malacca tomorrow and I'm gonna strut them there. Weehoo!!

Muhammed Redhuan Abdul Malik

2009-12-24T02:04:00.002+08:00

If it's not real I can't hold it in my hands

I can't feel it in my heart

And you won't believe it

But if it's true I can see it with my eyes

Even in the dark

And that's where you want to be

I love you

Goodnight...

Who needs them.

2009-12-22T16:08:00.002+08:00

You know those paparazzi who relentlessly follow celebrities' asses so close whenever there's some hot new rumour out? Unfortunately, we do have them in our lives. Some of them we even call friends. No, it does not make you feel glamorous. It just makes you feel like you wanna rip their heads off.

But like my close friend told me, "Kita tak boleh nak tutup mulut orang." True. If only we could. It's human nature to be nosy but if you intended to do it discreetly, do it right. You think that the person whom you're talking about won't find out. But come on. You're posting it on Facebook. All your friends know what you said or posted.

I may be overreacting. Whatever you said could mean otherwise. And I don't wanna have negative sentiments towards anyone, if possible. But your words were so vague and consequently, sounded condescending. And yeah, it fucking hurts.

Alas, words will still go around. People will still judge. I feel so helpless because I'm unable to stop any of that. I just pray to God that it will make me stronger. And make me a better person that I am now.

Paparazzi friends? Who needs them.

(^.^)

2009-12-22T03:36:00.004+08:00

I'M JUST SO HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

TRALALALALALALALALALALLALALA...~

TELLING IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!

TRALALALALALALALALALLALALALALA...~

Truth hurts

2009-12-20T19:45:00.003+08:00

I cheated on my boyfriend.

We've been together for eight months now. Everything was fine. But all of it shattered on 10 December 2009. My boyfriend found out that I was cheating on him. That I had a scandal with my ex-boyfriend. I was shocked when he told me about it. He was devastated when he found out.

Other than Facebook, another active social networking site that I had an account was Myspace. That was where I kept my darkest secret. In Myspace, my boyfriend was not my partner. But it was my ex and I declared to be his Mrs. We had been going on with this secret for the last four months of my relationship with my boyfriend. That's half the time I've been with my boyfriend.

For a moment, I lost him. He was a furious man. He told our closest friends and eventually to everyone he knew that I had cheated on him. He told my mother and my sister about it. The woman he regarded as the love of his life, the only woman he placed his loyalty to, the woman he wanted to share his future with. I broke all my vows and promises to him in a blink of an eye.

He asked me why. Why would I do such a thing to him. Was it because the love he gave me wasn't enough? Was it the attention that he sacrificed for me inadequate? What was it? What?

He still doesn't believe me when I say this. And I bet none of you will. But he didn't do anything less. His love and care and attention for me were more than enough. It was all me. I was selfish and greedy.

My ex-boyfriend was very persistent. He called and he texted. Non-stop. Urging me to be his friend. Telling me that things would be strictly platonic. That was when I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I loved the extra attention that my ex was giving me. I didn't need it. I selfishly thought that this man would give me attention even though he knew that I was with someone else. That I was happy with that someone else. Selfishly I thought, why let the opportunity go. I allowed him to linger.

I knew that at the end of the day, I would not end up in a serious relationship with my ex. I even told him that in his face. The only man that I would run to, every time, is my boyfriend. Each day that passes by I have never loved my boyfriend any less. It just grows more and more. But both of us were selfish bastards. He still decided to stick around, I still let him stay.

On that fateful night, I was begging to my boyfriend not to let me go. To give me another chance. But all hope was lost. My boyfriend doesn't trust me anymore. He doesn't believe in anything I say.

I kept begging and begging to him to not let me go. He said he wanted prove that I won't repeat this mistake ever again. How is he supposed to trust me after what I'd done to him? I said the only way I could prove it to him was if he gave me a second chance. Only then I can amend things. Only then I can patch up our relationship.

He was not convinced. He needed something more concrete. My heart cried out that I will take responsibility for my mistakes. That I will do whatever it takes to have a place in his heart again. I took the Quran and I swore in front of him. In the name of Allah. I swore that I will not cheat on him ever again. I swore that he will be the only man I love with all my heart. And if this relationship was to end, it will be the day when I die or the day when God has decided that we aren't fated for each other. That was how much I wanted to be with him.

12 December 2009. It was my 21st birthday. I met my Mum and we celebrated it. And over lunch, I told her all my darkest secrets. My Mum was shocked to know that her daughter was a slut. She was sad to know that her daughter was a selfish bitch that could hurt the feelings of the man her daughter has loved so dearly. I came clean. I told my Mum everything. Her only reaction was silence. She didn't say a word.

My Mum invited my boyfriend over. To discuss things out. He came. We sat down at a coffee shop. There, he told my Mum everything he felt. The pain, the humiliation, the betrayal. Everything. My Mum tried her best to console him. But she knew that he had the right to feel as such. We knew. After all of that, I told my Mum what I was, who I was in front of my boyfriend. It was painful for a mother to listen to all that. But my mother deserved to know. I had betrayed the man I love so much. I had betrayed my family who have loved him. And I was willing to pay the price. To do whatever it takes. I told her about my oath.

It was a cold scene. But on that day, I had the best birthday gift ever. My boyfriend gave me a second chance. I was delighted. He meant the world to me. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. And I wouldn't take that risk ever again.

Now, I have to earn my boyfriend's trust all over again. We're back to square one. Last night, he told me that he's skipping on a rope right on top of the fine line between love and hate. Whatever actions that I do after this, will affect the side he will tilt towards. And he said he wants to tilt to the love side so much. But only I can make him do that. I must show him prove of my sincerity.

He said, "It was your curfew which kept you from going to bed with Dauz. Not your love for us, not trust, not loyalty, not faith, not anything but your curfew. You think about it. So what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to have faith in you? It's not responsibility, loyalty or love but a silly curfew."

I will never deny the possibility of things going overboard if I hadn't stayed in campus. But I've never had any sexual intimacy with my ex for the past four months. Still, I understand the insecurities and doubts that my boyfriend have due to this possibility. I'm glad that it never happened.

I will prove it to him. He should have faith in me. Right here and now I will make a public declaration of my previous acts and the future acts that I'm going to do.

I ADMIT, WHOLEHEARTEDLY, THAT I HAVE BEEN PROMISCUOUS TO MY BOYFRIEND. I HAD CHEATED ON HIM FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS. I HAD MET MY EX TWICE A MONTH IN THOSE FOUR MONTHS. I ADMIT NOW, TO EVERYONE, THAT I HAD STOOPED THAT LOW AND BETRAYED THE LOVE OF THE MAN WHO HAD GIVEN IT TO ME FAITHFULLY AND BEING EVER SO LOYAL TO ME.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE. TO REDEEM MYSELF. TO EARN HIS LOVE AND TRUST ALL OVER AGAIN. AND AS FOR PROVE, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A PUBLIC DECLARATION TO EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME. I WILL NOT BE UNFAITHFUL TO MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE. HE WILL BE THE ONLY MAN THAT I'LL GIVE MY FULL LOVE AND ATTENTION TO. I HAVE MADE AN OATH TO GOD, A PROMISE TO MY MOTHER, AND NOW A PROMISE TO ALL OF YOU. YOU ARE ALL MY WITNESSES.

I LOVE REDHUAN SO MUCH. NO ONE ELSE. AND I AM VERY CONFIDENT IN WHAT I SAY. I WILL ONLY GIVE MY FULL COMMITMENT TO HIM.

I am not Supergirl.

2009-12-20T00:16:00.002+08:00

I am now in a predicament. I am stuck between conflicting interests of my parents whom I love dearly. You know, there's that certain time in your life you wish that you can please every single person that means a lot to you. Knowing that they are happy is the best feeling in the world. Unfortunately, such idealism never existed. Sad, isn't it?

Well, Papa is dissatisfied with me due to a personal matter. As a result, I have to find a place to stay inside campus next semester on my own. Initially, Papa had said before that he'd settle my hostel issues. I was so relieved. One burden less for me to worry. Boy, was I wrong. Now that we're in a dispute, Papa pushes the burden directly at my face unprecedentedly. Not to mention that my school opens in a fortnight's time. I don't wanna complain but I'm tired of Papa's silly games sometimes. Too bad he's not the kind of person you can sit down and talk things through with. So, I'll have to do it first. If it doesn't work, only then Papa'll come to my rescue. Papa, oh Papa...

As for Mummy, well, I'll have to disappoint her again. I hope she knows that it is just as painful for me. Papa, oh Papa...

But someone told me to take things slowly. And along the way, I shouldn't forget to love myself too. I am trying. I'm glad that he's always there by my side.. =)

He's off to Singapore soon though. He'll be there for a couple days. That means no calling and no texting! ='(

I'm gonna miss him even more now. We're both in KL but it's difficult to meet. Well, it's also because of yours truly. Incarcerated in my own home. Aiyo.. still, it makes me feel alright. Cause I know that he's nearby. But he's gonna go soon!

I'll just wait here till he comes back. Wait for my significant other to come back home.. X)

Bits and pieces

2009-12-18T17:26:00.003+08:00

I'm in the middle of my semester break and at home most of the time. That means I have a lot of free time on my hands. One way for me to kill time is to blog. I know I'm new to blogging but since there's nothing much to do yet so many things to say, I guess I'll just stick with this. =)

I see so many things happening around me. Some of you are working, some of you are out there on a vacation, some of you are up and about doing things you love and catching up with friends and loved ones. Those are all very nice. But it leaves me with very much to say. Observing others can be an interesting activity. Albeit it being boring sometimes. Haha!

Here are the few things I wanna vent out:

Chilling out at home

Well, other than just being a geek staring at the laptop monitor the whole day, I would indulge in a book. I'm currently reading "The Behaviour of Moths" by Poppy Adams. It's a very interesting book about two sisters who have been separated for four decades and were finally reunited. It's pretty funny though, how two old women trying to blend in with each other. But it's something close to heart since I have an older sister myself. It becomes more interesting when the personalities of the sisters fit ours. How ironic! Hahaha.. after I'm done with this book, it shall be passed on to my sayang. He's been asking for it for quite a while actually. Gotta chop chop to it!

Boys: can't live with them, can't live without them. Really?

Recently, many of my friends have relationship issues. I'm also included. Some reconciled, others didn't go so well. Some went pretty darn ugly too. So what's all this racket? One thing that everyone has to concede is that falling out of love is never easy.

I had my share of ordeals too. I nearly lost my sweetheart because of my selfishness and the foolish decisions I've made that broke his heart. But we're working things out. I love him so much, and the feeling has never lessened at all. I did whatever it takes to get him back and paid for my mistakes. I'm still doing it now. Mending and patching our relationship. Loving him and earning his trust again day by day have been nothing but blissful.

That sounds all fine and dandy, right? A few of my friends lost their relationships. I see a lot of consoling and comforting words going around. That's good. We should always be there to help our girlfriends get back on their feet. Still, some of them failed to be objective. A relationship has ended. But it doesn't mean that you should hate all the men in the world. I know. Angry people say many stupid things, what more angry women! But there are good chaps out there. Probably some of us haven't found THE ONE yet.

From another angle, the getting-over-with process is the hardest thing to do. Every girl who has been through it knows that. It's great to have someone we can trust to tell our feelings to. Healing takes time. It deciphers from one girl to another. But it doesn't mean we cannot find happiness in our best-est of friends. We're still young. There's still a long way to go. So what's your hurry? =)

Men will always be there. And whether some of you like it or not, you'll need a man to complete you one day. Oh, this is an exception if you're gay or loves being single though. Haha!

Missing him badly

Ok. You know it from the title already. Puke if you want. I don't care! Hahahahahaha!! Can't wait to see him. Maybe we'll skype tonight. I really hope so. Thinking of him has never failed to put a smile on my face! (*^_^*)

Okie dokie. This is all for now. Will blog later if I've got something that needs venting.

Lost in time

2009-12-17T21:35:00.003+08:00

There he was
Full of warmth and compassion and love
A shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold
A man to depend on
To be together with for the future untold

There he is now
Saddened and angry and cold
His heart broken into pieces
His love is thrown
Doesn't know what to think
Doesn't know who to trust
But most importantly
He doesn't know who to behold

I shattered his dreams
I shattered his happiness
I lost sight of him
But I chased and chased his sadness
The pain that he felt was overwhelming
And I didn't know what I was becoming
without him

Yet, such a beautiful soul
Gave me a chance once more
To make things better
To make things bitter no more

What more can I say
Things will never be the same
My promises, my declarations
make him feel pain
He wants it to go away
I want it to go away
But will it ever go away...?

I am lost in time
A future we built has disappeared
What was left were ruins
What was left were debris
We are starting off again
But a future together is uncertain
His trust I have yet to earn
His love I yearn

I am lost in time
Just lost in time...

snip snip for girls: How about it?

2009-12-17T15:07:00.004+08:00

Well, it seems that my last post caught the attention of some people. Hehe.. and Bubu posted a good question too. What do I think about female circumcision? Before I dwell into that, let's see what's the deal with female circumcision and how the world is taking it.

Female circumcision is the partial or total cutting away of the external female genitalia. This practice is mostly done in Asia and Africa. It is a fairly new issue because this practice is only known worldwide since the 1950s. Female circumcision is, more often than not, regarded as a cultural and/or religious obligation. It has been practiced by both Muslims and Christians, and possibly a few Jewish sects as well. It is often done during infancy but the ages may vary from four year-olds up to 15 year-olds, and even newly married women. Scientifically, there are no known health benefits from this procedure.

However, there have been many oppositions against female circumcision. The World Health Organization (WHO) defines it as female genital mutilation. This term is derived mainly due to the immense harms that can be inflicted upon women who have undergone circumcision. In order to further understand the gravity of the harms, here are the types of circumcision that are practiced most frequently around the world:

1) Clitoridectomy: part or all of the clitoris is amputated.

2) Excision: both the clitoris and the labia minora ("the lips" that surround the vagina) are removed.

3) Infibulation: it is the most severe form of circumcision. After excision of the clitoris and the labia minora, the labia majora are cut or scraped away to create raw surfaces, which are held in contact until they heal, either by stitching the edges of the wound or by tying the legs together. As the wounds heal, scar tissue joins the labia and covers the urethra and most of the vaginal orifice, leaving an opening that may be as small as a matchstick for the passage of urine and menstrual blood.

Infibulation has become a grave concern as it can be extremely detrimental to women's lives. In the Platform of the Fourth World Conference on Women, held in Beijing in 1995, female genital mutilation was cited as both a threat to women's reproductive health and a violation of their human rights.

Even the United Nations has taken this issue into consideration. International consensus statements and treaties such as the Convention to Eliminate All Forms of Discrimination Against Women, the Convention on the Rights of the Child and the African Charter on the Rights and Welfare of the Child began to include language applicable to female circumcision. These documents, however, did not directly mention the practice, focusing instead on broad categories such as detrimental practices, violence and rights violations.

On the other hand, female circumcision has been practiced for such a long time in Asia and Africa. It has been an embedded culture and no matter how objective a third party views the issue, tackling female circumcision is not an easy endeavour. Efforts to eliminate female circumcision have often been unsuccessful because opponents of the practice ignored its social and economic context. In some cases, external intervention has strengthened the resolve of communities to continue their genital cutting rituals as a way of resisting what they perceive as cultural imperialism.

After having an overview of the issue, it seems as though there won't be a win-win resolution anytime soon. But such deadlock musn't be a reason to not come to a compromise.

I'll analyze the issue from several angles. Firstly, from the perspective of religion. I don't know how female circumcision is done in other cultures or religions, but in Islam it is done by cutting off only the foreskin (outer fold of skin over the clitoris; the prepuce) but not cutting off deeply i.e. the clitoris itself. The practice projects a great deal of sensitivity to the instinctive needs of women, their matrimonal happiness, legitimate enjoyment and also more favourable for their husbands.

However, it must be understood that female circumcision is not a religious obligation. There are no authentic texts in the primary sources of Islam that requires the act of female circumcision. It is permissible but not compulsory.

Secondly, from the medical perspective. Female circumcision practiced in Malaysia and most Asian countries nowadays are mostly done in hospitals and clinics. Experienced doctors will execute the operation and an assurance of minimal risk is given. In addition, the procedure does not involve any forms of mutilation of the female genitalia but only the removal of the prepuce. There are no health risks that are associated with it.

Thirdly, from the contextualization. The main problem is female circumcision done in African countries. Not only African nations lack medical expertise and equipments, the customs and traditions that are practiced are very much detrimental towards women's anatomy. Many of the cultures and traditions require women to undergo excision or infibulation, which are extremely harmful. And the circumcisions are done by village doctors and shamans who do not have adequate (or none at all) medicinal knowledge and the procedures are done roughly.

From the three perspectives I've pointed out, my personal opinion on female circumcision is as such. I am not against female circumcision not because of my religious obligation. I believe that the procedure can be done in ways in which it is not harmful i.e. the removal of the prepuce. However, I am against other female circumcision procedures such as excision and infibulation. There are apparent health risks that can cause long-term health problems i.e. hemorrhage, shock, and stones may form in the urethra and bladder because of obstruction and infection.

Efforts made to ban female circumcision are proven futile. It is conceded that coercion is not the best solution as much as such violent practice needs to be curtailed. The solution that can be used is to mould gradual change in the African community:

1) Community education.
A nationwide study conducted in 1985-1986 by the National Association of Nigerian Nurses and Midwives found that female circumcision was practiced in all states and that in five of the then 11 states at least 90% of the women had been cut. In response to this information, the organization designed an eradication campaign with support from Population Action International and the Program for Appropriate Technology in Health. The project trained health workers to teach individuals about the harmful effects of female circumcision and to work through religious organizations, women's organizations and social clubs to mobilize communities against the practice.

2) Alternative rituals
The organization Maendeleo Ya Wanawake carried out a pilot project in the Meru district of Kenya in 1996 to develop an alternative initiation ritual. Some 25 mother-daughter pairs participated in a six-day training session that included information on the consequences of female circumcision and how to defend the decision not to be cut. The session culminated in a coming-of-age celebration planned by the community, excluding circumcision but including gifts and special T-shirts for the initiates, skits, and "books of wisdom" prepared by the parents of each girl.

3) Drama
In Burkina Faso, the director of a local theater group developed a play, based on the experience of his niece, on the consequences of female circumcision; the play is aimed particularly at men. A grant from the Research Action and Information Network for Bodily Integrity of Women (RAINBO) enabled him to videotape the play and show it throughout the region.

All in all, banning female circumcision is not a good solution after all. The oppositions may view the practice as a violation of women and children's rights. However, not all forms of circumcisions are harmful and majority of Asian and African women do not think there is any encroachment of their rights.

As for me, if women want to undergo circumcision, let them do so. But it should only be done by an authorized doctor. Excision and infibulation should not be permitted at all. As for minors, consent from parents are important and they should also follow the abovementioned process of female circumcision. It is the best way to minimize health problems and at the same time, providing the privilige to practice an ancient tradtion.

Chitter chatter

2009-12-16T23:11:00.003+08:00

Hello world!

Finally, after 21 years and four days, I have created my very own blog. It may be blah for some people, but it's an amazing feat for me. Hehe.. well, let's get to it!

The first thing I'm gonna talk about is pretty much unorthodox and certainly not a topic which novice bloggers like me would usually start off with: CIRCUMCISION.

I know. There must be a lot that are going through your minds right now. Maybe, like:

What the fuck?!
Oh... kay...
Oh my God!
Eww!
Circum... wha?
Or just an expression. Like this: O.O

So, before you pass (or already have) any of the abovementioned judgments, allow me to explain.

My brother had his circumcision yesterday. He was so eager to get it done because apparently, he was the only one amongst his peers who hadn't *snip snip*. After facing all the humiliation he could get from them, he firmly decided to order my Papa to bring him to the doctor's and to go "a little bit off the top". Everything went well. He is healthy as a horse and doesn't react like any other "normal" kid boy would after such an ordeal.

What other boys fear, he demands. Something other boys accept as an inevitable consequence, he sees it as a road down to manliness. People may think he's just weird, I personally think he's simply special. Not being objective, you say? I say I just love the kid. =)